Five Tips for Practicing Consent Over The Holidays

By: Elizabeth Zeigler
Executive Director, I Have The Right To
3 minute read

When you remove the to-do lists, the last-minute gifting, and the hustle and bustle of the season, the holidays are about being together. 

Yet “being” together can sometimes be fraught: there is the unwanted kiss from Uncle George, the grandparent who overshares their grandchild’s news and photos, or the newcomer to the annual holiday dinner.

This holiday season, we say that “being” together isn’t enough. It’s time to talk about being together, safely. 

Here are five tips to get you started.

1. Talk about it, with help. This video is a great resource for people of all ages, especially for kids. The video introduces the concept of bodily autonomy, teaches kids that they can show affection the way they choose, and shares helpful phrases to use to get and give consent. Watch it together with your children and then initiate a conversation about their thoughts. Ask for their ideas on how they might be able to implement consent in their day-to-day relationships. You may just get ideas for how you can implement consent in your own relationships, too.

2. Explain and model boundaries. Boundaries are an important part of consent, especially for young children who are used to being told what to do, when, and how. Frame boundaries as gifts that we give and receive in relationships with others. Boundaries demonstrate that two people care about each other and that their relationship is important. 

Teach children that when they set a boundary, they are allowing someone the chance to demonstrate their care for them. And that when someone else sets a boundary, they give us a chance to do the same. Help them to identify and observe boundaries in practice by calling them out when you see them: “Weston, I saw that you didn’t want a hug from your sister right now, and I am proud of you that you told her.”

3. Practice identifying nonverbal cues. Help your children understand that nonverbal cues are as important as verbal ones when it comes to consent. Explain that even when someone may be scared to say “no” with their words, they can say it in other ways with their bodies. And that a “no” from someone’s body means the same as a no from their voice. Role-play a few scenarios (like walking out of the room, running towards someone, jumping up and down with a smile, crossing arms) and have your children guess whether you are saying “yes” or “no” with your body. Also, encourage them to practice reading body language when watching a show or reading a picture book. 

4. Create a support plan. In advance of a holiday gathering, teach your children that they can always receive help from you if they become uncomfortable. Let them know that their ability to express discomfort is not limited to unwanted affection in the form of a hug or kiss. Other situations may include being picked up and carried, asked questions that are personal in nature, or the focus of uncles who love to tickle and wrestle with younger family members. 

Spend time coming up with a support plan and steps to carry out that plan. The plan may be activated by a safe word, a certain hand gesture, or a request for a private talk. Above all, remind your children that they have the power to say “stop,” “no,” or “I don’t feel comfortable” whenever they need to. And reassure them that they don’t lose that power with people who are related to them.     

5. Remember that consent is not just for physical affection. Consent can and should be practiced beyond gestures of physical affection. It applies to what information we share about another person, the photos that we include on our holiday cards or social media, and even the foods that we share. 

Practice consent in these situations by asking your children for their input and permission before any information or photo is shared of them, whether online, in print, or verbally. Use questions like “Are you OK if I share this?” and “How do you feel about me sharing your college acceptance with Aunt Janine?” Practice consent by asking permission before taking a french fry off your child’s plate or taking a sip of their drink. Say things like “Will you share your french fries today?” or “Would you mind if I have a sip of your drink?” or “Could I use a separate straw to try your drink?” Most importantly, respect your child’s “no” should they choose to give it.