Parents

There are several steps to take immediately after receiving a disclosure of sexual assault. The first is to respond to your child in a way that prioritizes their safety and well-being.  Whether the assault happened minutes prior, or weeks,  months or even longer ago, your feelings at hearing this disclosure must take a back-seat to acting in a productive and loving way.  Do not underestimate the trauma your child feels in disclosing to you, even if an assault happened some time ago.

We recommend using the A.B.L.L.E.™ phrases: affirm the survivor, believe them, let them lead the conversation, listen, and extend only what you can.

Once you have responded to your child’s disclosure in a loving and affirming way, consider the next steps your child can take, like undergoing a sexual assault forensic examination and reporting to law enforcement. There are implications to these decisions, and some are more time sensitive than others. Be equipped with information from a reputable source, such as a child advocate from your local coalition against domestic and sexual violence.  The National Sexual Violence Resource Center and the National Sexual Assault hotline can also be sources of immediate support. These organizations can connect you and your child with trained advocates to help your child consider their options.

It is important to note that adults are mandatory reporters of sexual assault against a minor, although not a person 18 or older. While this means you are required to report the assault to law enforcement, it does not mean your child must proceed with filing charges. That step can happen at a later date. 

Above all, remember that your child has the right to make decisions regarding their recovery and any next steps. Your job as a parent is to support them, love them, and put their needs and desires before your own. 

The golden rule when supporting your child after an assault is to keep them at the center of their recovery. It can be easy for parents to encourage their children to do what they want them to do when recovering from a trauma like sexual assault. The key to supporting your child, however, is to put your child’s needs and desires before your own. 

This means respecting the choices your child makes regarding pressing charges against the perpetrator, to undergo or forgo an examination, to return to school immediately or to take some time at home. Though your job as parent is to guide and support your child in their decision-making, ultimately, the course that the survivor chooses to chart for their recovery is solely their decision to make.

Putting your child’s needs first also means enveloping your child in love and support from other trusted, trauma-informed individuals. Find a counselor who has experience and training working with survivors of sexual assault. Engage the help and support of family or family friends who your child knows and trusts.  Act as gatekeeper against peers, teachers, or other individuals who do not have your child’s best interests at heart. Telltale signs of these individuals are phrases like “this isn’t that big of a deal”, or “suck it up and move on,” or “think about how much speaking out could harm the perpetrator.“ These phrases are an indication that an individual does not belong in your or your child’s immediate circle. Kindly see them out.

A word of caution: be careful about how you communicate your child’s assault to their school, if your child chooses to do so. Most administrators, educators, and even school counselors are not equipped or trained to respond to such a disclosure. Oftentimes, premature conversations with these individuals can be a detriment to a survivor’s recovery.

Life will never go back to the way things were for your child or family. However, it is possible that as your child and family begin to heal, your family as individuals and as a whole will become stronger and more capable of authentic love. At I Have The Right To, we see this again and again in our work with survivors and their families. 

To visualize the healing and growth that is possible after a sexual assault, we often refer to the art of kintsugi. 

Kintsugi, which literally means “to join with gold,” is also referred to as the art of “golden repair.” It treats breakage and the resulting repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to discard or disguise. In kintsugi, the broken pieces of an accidentally-smashed pot are carefully picked up, reassembled, and then glued together with lacquer inflected with a luxuriant gold powder. There is no attempt to disguise the damage but rather to emphasize the fault lines as beautiful and strong. The precious veins of gold that remain long after the repair become the focal point of the piece, not something to hide. 

The same is possible for your family following a child’s sexual assault: one day, with the proper work and effort, the family vessel that feels shattered before you will glisten even more beautifully than before. We are here to help this be so.

Too often survivors and families are siloed and isolated in seeking healing and justice following a child’s sexual assault. If you are a parent and care about supporting your survivor, you are not alone. We are here for you. While we are not always able to connect parents to other parents due to privacy concerns, we can suggest other ways to find community based on your specific circumstance. We also have one of our own in the works. Stay tuned!

Recovery from a trauma like sexual assault is rarely linear and uniform. Every recovery looks different based on the circumstance, survivor, and broader family. However, parents can be informed about the stages of recovery and know what to expect in each one. Here’s a starting point.

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) occurs when a past trauma affects present behavior. Though PTSD will look different for every survivor, in general, PTSD symptoms fall into four categories: re-experiencing, avoidance, arousal and reactivity, and cognition and mood. Learn more about each category of symptom, what to look for in your child, and how to help your child manage any symptoms that present..